0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P R S T U V W X Y Z

Joke : 1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A womanwill pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn`t want.2. A woman worries about the future until she gets ahusband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.3. A successful man is one who makes more money thanhis wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot& love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try tounderstand her at all.5. Married men live longer than single men - butmarried men are a lot more willing to die.6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there`sno use in two people remembering the same thing.7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.Women somehow deteriorate during the night.8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, buthe doesn`t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won`t change & she does.9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anythinga man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.10. There are 2 times when a man doesn`t understand awoman - before marriage & after marriage.

[ Details ]

Joke : A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, `Do you know her?` `Yes,` sighs the husband, `She`s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn`t been sober since.` `My God!` says the wife, `Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?`

[ Details ]

Joke : A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart. While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room. He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what`s with her wearing the two coats? She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said: - `FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!`

[ Details ]

Joke : A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said: - `All right, who`s the other father!?!`

[ Details ]

Joke : A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. - Hey, girls, says the brunette, - let`s go home early tomorrow. She`ll never know. So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. - That was fun, says the brunette. - We should do it again sometime. - No way, says the blonde. - I almost got caught.

[ Details ]

Joke : A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, `Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife`s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.` He continued, `Then next, ma`am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.` The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. `I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.` The Greens pleaded with him, and said, `You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us. `Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...`

[ Details ]

Joke : A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband. Her doctor told her to give him one pill a night, and that he would call to check in with her after a week.That night, the wife popped one pill in her husband`s food and got a good rogering.The next night she gave him two pills. The sex was even greater than the night before.The following night she decided to give him the whole bottle. The sex was unimaginable.A week later, the doctor called to check on the patient. The couple`s son answered the phone and sounded shaky. The doctor asked to speak to his mother. The son replied that his mother was in the hospital, the maid was pregnant, his butt was hurting, and his dad was standing naked in the front yard, yelling, `Here kitty, kitty....`

[ Details ]

Joke : A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, `Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?` The wife replied, `I swear on everything that`s holy that he is your son.` With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, `Thank God he didn`t ask about the other three.`

[ Details ]

Joke : A husband and wife were lying in bed together one night. The wife rolled over and placed her hand lovingly on the chest of her husband. `Honey,` the wife said, `if I died would you get married again?`The husband said, `Never, my dear.`The wife said, `I`m sure you would.`So the husband said, `Okay, I would`Would you let her sleep in our bed?` the wife asked.And the husband replied, `I suppose so.`Then the wife asked, `Would you let her wear my clothes?`I doubt she`d want to,` the husband said. `She`d be so much thinner.`

[ Details ]

Joke : A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife. `See if they fit.` `They don`t.` `Now you see who will wear the pants in this house.` She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on. `I can`t get into these.` `And you won`t, either, with that attitude.`

[ Details ]

Joke : A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife `Mother of Six` in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it`s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, `Shall we go home now Mother of Six?` His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, `Anytime you`re ready, Father of Four!`

[ Details ]

Joke : A wife asked her husband if he is planning to do anything for their annivarsary. The husband looks at her and replies `Where we are from we don`t cellabrate mistakes.`

[ Details ]

Joke : A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into the chair and tells the tattoo artist, `I want two tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other.` The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, `Lady, I`ll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?` `Well, if you really want to know,` she firmly answers, `I`m sick and tired of my husband telling me that there`s never anything to eat between the holidays.`

[ Details ]

Joke : A woman tells her friend that Interflora just delivered a bunch of flowers from her husband.`Now I guess he`ll want me to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air``Why?` asks her friend `Don`t you have a vase?`

[ Details ]

Joke : A woman goes over to her married son`s house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, "What the hell are you doing?" "I`m wearing my love dress," responds the daughter-in-law, "We haven`t made love in a long time."So the mother-in-law says, "Hm, maybe I should try that." She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband`s car. He walks in the front door and says, "What the fuck are you doing?" "I`m wearing my love dress," says the wife. "Well," responds the husband, "it needs to be ironed."

[ Details ]

Joke : An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink. The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering `That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.` As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they`re just fine - they`re just used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn`t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman says `No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.` As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin,the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eata single bite of food and asks `May I ask what is it you are waiting for?` The old woman answers... `THE TEETH.`

[ Details ]

Joke : One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. - It`s supposed to be a tiger! Sally cried. - Honey, said Dan, - Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!

[ Details ]

Joke : One Friday, two women were sitting and talking. One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand. She rolled her eyes and said, "There comes the a**hole with flowers in his hand. Now he`ll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air." Her friend promptly replied, "Don`t you have a vase?"

[ Details ]

Joke : Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive``s wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.Without hesitating, he dictated, `...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.`

[ Details ]

Joke : This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, `Doctor, I haven`t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband`s sex drive.` The doctor smiled and said, `Have you tried to give him Viagra?` The lady frowned. `Doctor, I can`t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,` she claimed. `Well,` the doctor continued, `Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won`t notice a thing.` The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor`s office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. `How did it go?` the doctor asked. `Terrible, doctor, terrible.` `Did it not work?` `Yes,` the old lady said, `It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I`d had in 25 years.` `Then what is the problem, ma`am?` `Well,` she said. `I can`t ever show my face in McDonald`s again.`

[ Details ]

Joke : This mother & her young daughter were driving in the car behind Lorainna Bobbitt when she threw her husbands penis out of the window. It hit the windshield of their car. The young daughter asked her mother, `what was that?` The mom said embarrased, `It was a bug`. The young girl said, `Well that bug sure did have a big dick!!`

[ Details ]

Joke : Three construction workers (an Italian, a Mexican, and a Redneck) were sitting on a steel beam at the top of a skyscraper they were building. It was lunchtime. The Italian worker opens his lunch box and sees that he has spaghetti and meatballs.`Son of a bitch`, he says, `spaghetti and meatballs again. Everyday it`s spaghetti and meatballs. I swear if I get spaghetti and meatballs again tomorrow I`m going to commit suicide by jumping off this building`.The Mexican worker opens up his lunch box and sees a burrito. `Damnit`, he says, `another damn burrito, I`m so tired of burritos, If I have to eat a burrito again tomorrow I`m going to jump off of this building and commit suicide`.The Redneck worker opens his lunch box and sees a bologna sandwich. `Shit!!!, another damn bologna sandwich. If I get another bologna sandwich tomorrow, I`m going to commit suicide`.The next day during lunch hour, they are sitting on the same steel beam. The Italian worker opens his lunch box and finds spaghetti and meatballs. Without saying a word he closes the box and throws himself off of the beam and drops twenty floors to his death. The Mexican worker opens his box, finds a burrito, closes the box and jumps to his death. The Redneck worker opens his box and finds a bologna sandwich, closes the box and jumps to his death.A couple of days later the families of all three workers meet at the cemetery just after the funerals. The Italian worker`s wife was crying.`Oh, if only I had known how he felt about the spaghetti and meatballs, I could have fixed him a muffalotta, and he would still be here today.The Mexican worker`s wife said `I could have fixed my husband a taco or an enchilada, and he would be here with me today`.There was a moment of silence while everybody was waiting for the Redneck worker`s wife to comment.`Don`t look at me`, she said, `He fixes his own lunch`.

[ Details ]

Joke : Two old biddies were talking about their lives with their husbands since moving to a nursing home. They both agreed that life was good, but Ethel was rather upset because her sex life had really died. Mildred said that her sex life was great.`The secret to great sex is this,` Mildred couseled Ethel. `When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that, he gets so excited we have wild sex the rest of the night!`Ethel says, `I`m going to try that tonight!`While Ethel`s husband Harold is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it`s a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can`t move.It`s not too long before her Harold comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, he yells, `For God`s sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!`

[ Details ]