0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P R S T U V W X Y Z

Joke : An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber`s house. The phone didn`t ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system`s ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

[ Details ]

Joke : A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man`s trouser leg. The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit. A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said: - You shouldn`t do that. He`ll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that! The blind man retorted: - I`m not rewarding him. I`m just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass!

[ Details ]

Joke : A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, `Sir, what are you doing!?!` The man turned toward the teller and said, `Oh, nothing - just looking around.`

[ Details ]

Joke : A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, `Harry, what`s your problem?`Harry answered, `I`m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I`m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!`Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal`s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.Principal: `What is 3 x 3?`Harry: `9`.Principal: `What is 6 x 6?`Harry: `36`.And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, `I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.`Ms. Brooks says to the principal, `Let me ask him some questions.` The principal and Harry both agreed.Ms. Brooks asks, `What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?` Harry, after a moment: `Legs.`Ms. Brooks: `What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?` The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: `Pockets.`Ms. Brooks: `What does a dog do that a man steps into?`Harry: `Pants`Ms. Brooks: What`s starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?Harry: `Coconut.`The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.Ms. Brooks: `What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?` The principal`s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.Harry: `Bubble gum`Ms. Brooks: `What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?`Harry: `Shake hands.`The principal was trembling.Ms. Brooks: `What word starts with an `F` and ends in `K` that means a lot of heat and excitement?`Harry: `Firetruck`The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, `Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!`

[ Details ]

Joke : A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, `Harry, what`s your problem?` Harry answered, `I`m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I`m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!` Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal`s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: `What is 3 x 3?` Harry: `9`. Principal: `What is 6 x 6?` Harry: `36`. And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, `I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.` Ms. Brooks says to the principal, `Let me ask him some questions.` The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, `What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?` Harry, after a moment: `Legs.` Ms. Brooks: `What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?` The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: `Pockets.` Ms. Brooks: `What does a dog do that a man steps into?`Harry: `Pants` Ms. Brooks: What`s starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Harry: `Coconut.` The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: `What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?` The principal`s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: `Bubble gum` Ms. Brooks: `What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?` Harry: `Shake hands.` The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: `What word starts with an `F` and ends in `K` that means a lot of heat and excitement?` Harry: `Firetruck` The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, `Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!`

[ Details ]

Joke : A little girl and her dog are walking through the forest when they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can`t make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, `This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky.`Yeah,` the dog says, `we`re really screwed.`Sparky,` the girl says, astonished, `I didn`t know you could talk.`Well,` the dog says, `I was kinda waiting for the right time to tell you.`

[ Details ]

Joke : A man, his son, and a dog walk into a bar.`Ow!`Ow!`Woof!`

[ Details ]

Joke : A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, `I`m lookin` for the guy that shot my paw.`

[ Details ]

Joke : A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he`s lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, `Oh, oh!` Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, `Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?` Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. `Whew!`, says the leopard, `That was close! That poodle nearly had me!` Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, `Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!` Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, `What am I going to do now?`, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn`t seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. `Where`s that damn monkey?` the poodle says, `I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!`

[ Details ]

Title : Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow Joke : A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram. He fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send: `Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow.` The clerk says, `You can add another `Bow wow` for the same price.` The dog responded, `Now wouldn`t that sound a little silly?`

[ Details ]

Joke : If they say they`re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. Say `no` over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, `I don`t have any friends, would you be my friend?`If they start out with, `How are you today?` say, `I`m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout...`If the company cleans rugs, respond: `Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?`Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, `I guess you don`t want anyone bothering you at home, right?` The telemarketer will agree and you say, `Me either!` Hang up. Ask them to repeat everything they say several times. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. `Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how`s your momma?` Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . . When the salesperson asks, `Is this the homeowner?` say, `Is this the salesperson?` And when they say, `Yes,` hang up.

[ Details ]

Joke : MAN: I`d like to buy some dog food. CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog? MAN: Yes. CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he? MAN: He`s at home. CHECKOUT LADY: I`m sorry, I can`t sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy. The next day, the man returns. MAN: I`d like to buy some cat food. CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat? MAN: Yes. CHECKOUT LADY: Well... where is he? MAN: He`s at home! CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can`t sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat. The next day the man returns. CHECKOUT LADY: What`s in the sack? MAN: Put your hand inside. CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm... It`s warm and moist! What is it? MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

[ Details ]

Joke : Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died. `You know,` Mom said, `it`s not your fault that the dog died. He`s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.` Susie, still crying, said, `What would God want with a dead dog?`

[ Details ]

Joke : One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. `Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.` Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: `You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.` Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: `Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren`t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don`t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.`

[ Details ]

Joke : Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left it.

[ Details ]