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Recently added Joke : ``My God! What happened to you?`` the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. ``I got in a tiff with Riley.`` ``Riley? He`s just a wee fellow,`` the barkeep said, surprised. ``He must have had something in his hand.`` ``That he did,`` Kelly said. ``A shovel it was.`` ``Dear Lord. Didn`t you have anything in your hand?`` ``Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley`s left boob.`` Kelly said. ``And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.`` [ Details ] Joke : Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He`s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, `What`s in the bags?` `Sand,` answered Juan. The guard says, `We`ll just see about that. Get off the bike.` The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, `What`s in the bags?` `Sand,` says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn`t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. `Hey, Buddy,` says the guard, `I know you are smuggling something. It`s driving me crazy. It`s all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?` Juan sips his beer and says, `Bicycles.` [ Details ] Joke : A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist`s office. The doctor asks, `What can I do for you?` The man says, `Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?` The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, `There`s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.` He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, `I`m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?` The old man says, `We`re not trying to find out anything. She`s married and we can`t go to her house. I`m married and we can`t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...! [ Details ] Joke : Two blondes were driving down the road. The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, `Yes. No. Yes. No.` [ Details ] Joke : A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, `You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I`ll give you each a dollar if you`ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.` The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. `This recession`s really putting a big dent in my income,` he told them. `From now on, I`ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.` The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. `Look,` he said, `I haven`t received my Social Security check yet, so I`m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?` `A freakin` quarter?` the drum leader exclaimed. `If you think we`re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you`re nuts! No way, dude. We quit!` And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days. [ Details ]